Smiling at Strangers
How the simplest of gestures can spread joy for years
Such, I discovered, is the power of a smile, even between strangers. In the intervening years I've found myself wondering why most people don't smile at people they don't know. In observing my own reactions, I've noticed the following:
- I'm often lost in my own thoughts, trying to solve a problem, ruminating over one I can't, planning or thinking about what I'm about to do. In short, I'm everywhere except where I actually am.
- Even when I think to smile at passing strangers, I can't always muster up a genuine one. It turns out, according to V.S. Ramanchandran in his book A Brief Tour of Human Consciousness, we're capable of mounting two different kinds of smiles, one genuine and the other forced, which are in fact generated in two separate parts of the brain. They look different, these two smiles, which is why we can always tell one from the other with ease. To produce a genuine smile we must genuinely feel like smiling. To smile at a stranger in a meaningful way, then, requires we muster some kind of real feeling for them—that we care about someone we don't know, if only in a small way. Thus, for me, smiling at strangers is a small exercise in compassion. The benefit of smiling accrues to me as well as to those at whom I'm smiling, however: studies have also shown that feeling just as often follows expression. That is, when we smile, it actually makes us happier, even, it turns out, if our smile is forced.
- Smiling at strangers might be taken as an invitation I don't want to offer—for a conversation I don't want or have time for, or for some kind of entry into my life (however small it may be) that feels invasive. We often guard our privacy intensely and prefer the barriers that exist between strangers to persist, finding ourselves reluctant to break them down even a little bit. But that attitude, I've found, often conceals an inability to set appropriate boundaries. If we're in a hurry, we can simply hurry on along. Or excuse ourselves. Or employ any number of socially appropriate reasons to keep a stranger at a social distance we find comfortable.
In the end, of course, I concluded that I really had no good reason not to smile at everyone. Certainly, it takes some amount of attention and energy. But in smiling at strangers, I acknowledge their humanity, and in doing that, in reminding myself of it, I promote peace. How? By bringing joy to others that's far out of proportion to the investment required—as I learned seven years after I first started my smiling experiment. I'd finished medical school and residency, and had returned to the University of Chicago as an attending physician. One day soon after I'd arrived, I went down to buy lunch in the same cafeteria. And when I approached the check-out line, I found myself greeted by a cashier I didn't at first even recognize who, wearing a happy, surprised smile, suddenly exclaimed in delight, "Where have you been?"
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